Dear Mr Virahsawmy
This is the first time I have written to you but I sense a connection because of our common Dravidian heritage. Unlike your namesake who I consider a traitor to both the Dravidian and African communities.
Anyway, I am a bit concerned about the status of the “Maurice Ile Durable” project or rather “Maurice Iles Durables” as I and the whole island of Rodrigues prefer to write. So I have had an idea. Think back to when your esteemed colleague Xavier Luc Picard, now Captain of INS Enterprise Mauritius was Minister for “Giving Away Islet Nature Reserves to his Friends and Agents of the Prime Minister”. Following his amazingly successful re-branding of our island from “The Model for Heaven” to “Mauritius – c’est un plaisir” (infinitely better than my own suggestions of “The Divine Island” and “The Island of Eden”), I humbly suggest you do the same thing with MID. I think it is possible with just a minor change in the last word. Permit me to offer some suggestions.
But first let us reflect on some notable MID events of last week.
Energy Efficiency Management Office Projects Outlined
The launch of the Energy Efficiency Management Office (EEMO) by the Deputy Premier Mason Dr Rashid “Don’t mention the size of my penis” Beebeejaun. What is he a doctor of again? Oh yes that’s why he knows absolutely sweet FA about public utilities isn’t it? On the subject of miss-placed titles, when did Dr Khalil Elahee become a Professor? Rumour has it that it will not happen until Prof Konrad Morgan’s tenure expires because he thinks Elahee is a Labour stooge put in place to promote the interests of the capitalist elite. And a complete idiot.
At least Beebeejaun is not a hypocrite though! Remember he changed the name of his Ministry back to “Energy…” from “Renewable Energy…” after the last election? Now who is in the pipe-line to build more super environmentally friendly, coal-fired power-stations? Oh yes that greenest of companies with the gentlest of names: Terror (formerly known as the Brothers who murdered Anjaly Coopen and friends and wounded my great uncle).
But he is not exactly honest is he? Take the “water crisis” for example that is supposed to be due to a lack of rain. Really? Who is he trying to kid? Every time I drive along the new and perpetually empty Triolet bypass, I am amazed how much water is used to clean it. Isn’t that supposed to be irrigating Terror’s sugar-cane fields? There is manifestly no water crisis in the north; only those regions served by Mare-aux-Vacoas. And why would that be? Doesn’t that reservoir’s catchment area have the highest rainfall in the country? It rains nearly every day there doesn’t it?
So what has changed? Has Mare-aux-Vacoas sprung a leak? What would the Singaporean experts say? DON’T BE RIDICULOUS! The problem is caused by the diversion of the old streams that used to feed the reservoir. Their life giving water is now being used to keep Domaine des 7 Vallées lush and green. Now who owns that? Alain O`Reilly “the father of Ecotourism in Mauritius since far back in 1987”? Not likely is it? How could he afford to buy land with an area of forty times what he sold when he was moved on from Domaine du Chasseur? So a little digging around and what did a “friend” discover? Much of it was bought from the State at a knock-down price by front people for the Rawat and other Parti Travesti families. Wait a minute! Haven’t the Rawat’s merged with Beejaun’s family through marriage? What a scandal that would be if it were made public don’t you think? A super-volcano waiting to erupt that will make the Medpoint scandal seem like an ant-hill! I digress…
Now back to the subject. What is the purpose of the EEMO? To promote energy efficiency is it not? And how does it propose to do that? According to the Energy Strategy 2011-25 Action Plan Update, by putting stickers on appliances showing how efficient they are and banning the worst ones. And when will that be complete? 2015! WTF? There are stickers on these appliances already! So what will the office be doing? Removing them for the next four years? What a complete waste of money! Still at least it does fall within Elahee’s skill set!
It is said you know that “you can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time”. I want to suggest an addedum: “except in Mauritius”. That conveniently leads us to my suggestion for re-branding MID: “Maurice Ile Dupable”
Prime Minister Inaugurates Bras d’Eau National Park
You must be breathing a sigh of relief now: how can I possibly decry this worthy project? Easy! According to the Premier Mason, the country’s remaining 50,000 hectares of forest (that’s close enough to the real figure of 37,000 hectares isn’t it?) and the wild-life they contain must be protected for future generations. That’s really green isn’t it? Well it seems so until one recalls that the Franc-hoes deforested virtually the whole island for their sugar-cane plantations, for fuel-wood to power their mills and for timber to build houses and ships. Not to mention exports. Did you know that Mauritian ebony used to be the most expensive wood in the world?
After this arboretal massacre, only 6,600 hectares of historical forest now remain, and they would have had that too if the British hadn’t declared Black River Gorges National Park. Unfortunately, it has been so badly maintained and overrun with alien species, that its ability to support our unique fauna and flora has severely compromised. And those misguided folk from the Mauritius Wildlife Foundation, by pulling up the alien weeds are simultaneously destroying the habitat of our native ants. But then who cares about ants? They are far to small to pay any attention to aren’t they?
Back to the Franc-hoes heinous crimes against nature and the well-being of future generations. From 1948 to 1973 they doused the entire landscape doused with DDT to wipe out the mosquitoes and other insect pests. How successful was that? What it did achieve was the decimation of our wild bird populations which gave MWF its raison d’etre. Moreover, when the run-off from the land reached our fragile lagoons, that most comprehensive chemical weapon of mass destruction inflicted a mortal blow to much of our coral reefs. An unprecedented onslaught from which they are still failing to recover due to the chemical fertilisers and raw sewage from hotels and beach houses that we have overwhelmed them with. Not to mention the carcinogenic exhaust from ubiquitous speed boats that smothers them. When will you ban that most malignant of coastal watersports? How come you are not even capable of enforcing the ski lanes that were nominated years ago?
Oh and did I tell you never to go swimming in Grand Baie after heavy rains? If our drinking water gets contaminated by our own faeces so much that we have to boil it before consumption, how much more our village beaches? Wasn’t the new northern sewerage system supposed to prevent this? Of course it was, except the stupid designers installed a system incapable of coping with run off from heavy rainfall. In a region that used to be precious wetlands but which were backfilled by cretins, this is not an insignificant volume. Just a few decades ago, bay was crystal clear bay; it supported stunning patch reefs, was a haven for enormous lobsters and a nursery for all manner of marine life, including hammerhead sharks. We have utterly destroyed it in the name of development. Mauritius would surely top the charts for the worst anti-eco tourism destination in the world don’t you think?
Anyway, what are the Franc-hoes doing in restitution for their past sins? Are they reforesting that land they no longer need for sugar-cane? No those evil ecosystem destroyers are not! Instead of restoring our once beautiful rain forests and palm savannahs that once graced the Island of Eden, so much appreciated by Mark Twain, they are covering their land with concrete and asphalt. Why? To provide safe tax-free havens for international criminals, Mafia and Wall Street bankers (can you imagine how much do I want to spell that with a “w”?) Not to mention the shopping malls appearing like mushrooms that are required to satisfy their addiction to brand shopping.
They will all be here soon won’t they? How else do you explain why we suddenly have the Premier Mason’s friends acquiring the franchises for Porsche, Aston Martin, Ferrari and Maserati? I hear Lamborgini is still available, so be quick if you can afford it. Of course you can, with all the bribes you have received for green-lighting the most blatantly deceitful Environmental Impact Assessments. How much do you get for waiving them entirely? Projects that are carried out under your direct supervision must be an absolute gold-mine for you.
Who is encouraging all this diabolical development? Only our beloved the Premier Mason and every successive Minister of “Balancing the Books by Selling off our National Assets to Foreigners”. Since he was swept into power after the most corrupt and unfair election I have ever witnessed, he has overseen the rape and pillaging of our priceless treasures unknown since the reign of the Franc-hoes. Do none of his bean counters know how to assess the value of the ecosystem services they provide? Actually there is one isn’t there? But he has been locked away in the tower of BOMb-don hasn’t he? Why? Because he initiated Vision 2020 which called for a cap on tourism and investments in environmental restoration. If we had implemented even half of its recommendations we would be well on our way to sustainability by now wouldn’t we?
Instead, we have the Premier Mason’s day-dream of “Maurice Ile Durable”. The nation’s rectal sphincter has less vision than an octopal pyramid after it has played ophthalmic tit-for-tat with a Jewish lawyer! (You don’t get that do you? Recall Gandhi’s observation that “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”. And “octopal” means having the characteristics of an octopus. Yes I do have an Odysseus complex LOL 😉 He didn’t even come up with the idea! It was some croaking (allusion to frog) pseudo-intellectual who likes to think he is the godfather of the nation. Doesn’t he know that there is a very long and distinguished (and soon to be extinguished) queue for that title? Have you realised yet what my other suggestion is for re-branding MID? Of course you haven’t, a moron with a negative IQ has more chance. So I will have to tell you: “Maurice Ile Deplorable”, straight to the heart don’t you think? (Not too much longer to wait;)
As I am sure you can guess, I could go on but I realise I have probably already exhausted your limited attention span. Oh, there is one more thing my pride compels me to mention. How many of the winners of the Green Africa Awards 2012 are fellow cross-dressers? Yes I do feel bitter! Not only did you not brother inviting me to the event, your corrupt, self-serving bunch of fellating eunuchs have consistently failed to acknowledge a single one of my interventions on behalf of Sustainable Mauritius. A real blow, below the apron strings, to my ego. Here are just a few:
1. A presentation to the Ministry of Environment on coral reef restoration.
2. A plan for the integrated development of Grand Baie as presented to the Ministry of Tourism.
3. A report on beach erosion prepared for the Ministry of Environment.
4. A proposal for transforming sugar estates into centres of energy arbitrage as presented to the University of Mauritius.
5. A recommendation, in partnership with the Zac Sunderland (the youngest person to sail single-handed around the world unassisted), to promote sailing as a national pastime and international sporting attraction (MID website).
6. A cultural analysis of Mauritius and the ways it could change to become more socially just and ecologically sustainable (MID website).
7. An analysis of the potentially catastrophic nexus between HIV/AIDS, intravenous drug users and prostitution (MID website).
8. A youth video competition highly praised by Prof Odendaal (Oh is he a brother too? Surely a regular?)
9. A blistering critique of the Ministry of Tourism’s strategy after consultations with the Principle Tourism Planner (XLD was and still is too scared to face me).
10. An equally devastating critique of the government’s CSR strategy as presented to the Financial Secretary, Alifuc Dapoor.
The endeavour I am most proud of is a roadmap to energy self-sufficiency which I will happily present to any audience at any time. (Yes, Elahee did prevent me doing so at the University). If you are too curious, you can view it here: Prezi.com
Please do let me know if you want any more feedback.
Your faithful partner in realising the a Sustainable Mauritius,
Dr Richard L Munisamy