Dear Mr President
Today I am feeling morose. As is so often the case, it is because of a lady. But rather than dwell on it, I will try to cheer myself up with some jokes and foolery.
Yesterday afternoon, I met with the Governor of the Bank of Mauritius in his beautiful office for a cup of tea, although, somewhat ironically, I had grape juice. I asked him what would be the impact on the country if our own “bangsters” (bank + gangsters) were put in jail as was done in Nigeria? He replied that most of the Chief Executive Officers of Mauritian banks have the top job because of their surnames rather than their competence. The banks would only operate better without them. Perhaps he wanted to add that the same would be true for the CEOs of Parliament and that the nation would be better off without them too. Look at Belgium – they have been without an official government for over 18 months; but they do have a head of state. Perhaps I would have jokingly replied that Mauritius has King Richard the Worst and he could be Our Governor!
Joking aside, I am disappointed that you have not replied to any of my letters. Nor have you invited me to meet with you at Reduit. I don’t understand this since family ties are clearly important to you. Surely you have not forgotten that you entertained my father, who was then a city councillor in the UK, when Paddy Ashdown, leader of the Liberal Democrats visited Mauritius? How could you have forgotten that he gave you some legal books on proportional representation when, as Prime Minister, you were contemplating electoral reform? Do you remember receiving him in your Presidential Office around Easter 2004? I certainly do because I drove him there with my son. On that occasion, as now, did it not occur to you to meet with me?
I left Mauritius in November 2004, to visit India on business and the UK to see my son. However, before I did, I was urged to make a second application to be naturalised as a Mauritian citizen. This seemed completely pointless because my previous application was rejected on the grounds that I had not lived in Mauritius for three consecutive years and I still did not satisfy this criterion. However, I complied.
The business part of the trip was most successful. I was marketing IRS developments to the Bollywood set in partnership with Pam Golding. I met with the parents of Prianka Chopra and had the agent of Ashwairya Rai literally chase after me! However, the highlight was being asked to spend the evening with Sushmita Sen at her home. A truly lovely lady. Did you know that both she and her sister adopted baby girls who they named Renée and Aaliyah? I felt completely at home playing with them. Happy memories… What was my secret to achieving this? Personalised marketing.
My visit to the UK, on the other hand, was a complete disaster. My ex-wife refused to let me see my son and when I tried to reason with her on the phone she accused me of threatening her. The next day, the police dragged me from my bed and drove me shivering to a distant police station where I was detained for over 12 hours before being released. It was torture. However, this did not deter me from trying to see my son, and I made an application to the family court for a judicial intervention. When I explained this to my ex-wife, she made another complaint and I was arrested and charged. I was kept in jail over-night and taken to the criminal courts the next day.
My lawyer, convinced of my guilt, refused to tell the magistrates about my application to the family court. The police demanded that I be denied bail on the basis that I would flee the country. It was the only tearful intercession of my father that moved the magistrates to release me on the condition that he took responsibility for me, I was bound over to live at his house and to have no contact with my ex-wife. My passport was confiscated for nine months and I was unable to even communicate with my son for six. To cut a long story short, the case never went to trial and I was eventually able to see my son again. William Congreve wrote “Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”. I would add: “But neither compare with the that anger is provoked by injustice”. It is only healthy for me to vent this every now and again. Emotional competency is the art of channelling it constructively in a manner that brings about lasting change.
My return ticket to India had expired along with all my hard earned credibility I had gained there. With my business virtually bankrupt, I bought a return ticket to Mauritius in order to ship my possessions back the UK. To say that I was depressed is almost as big an understatement as Hillary Clinton acknowledging that Iran are unlikely to comply with the US’ request to return the spy drone that was electronically hijacked as it flew over Iranian territory. Those Republican Guards are smarter than most people give them credit… Does USrael really want to risk going to war with them?
Anyway, can you imagine my surprise to find a letter addressed to me from the Prime Minister’s Office when I returned to Mauritius after being absent for over a year? Can you imagine my shock when I opened it to discover that my application for nationality had been granted? It had taken one month. You cannot possibly imagine my incredulity to see that the letter was dated 24th December 2004? What a Christmas present that was, even if I had received it nearly a year late. I literally bounced around like Tigger with delight. You can be sure that I said a prayer of gratitude for the intervention of the “Hand of God”, a bit like the goal scored against England by Diego Maradonna.
So why am I sad now? Because I am compelled to betray the loyalty that our families have shared for over a decade. Why would I do that? Because I petitioned you to intervene in the matter of the internet threats I had received from Jameel Peerally and his associates. A matter that the police appear to be completely ignoring. How can I be so sure? Because on Friday last week, Jameel and his vertically challenged side kick James “Prince” Lowell (Jam1000 and mini1000?) had the audacity to confront me at the Henessy Park hotel in Ebene. Pire-Ali was working himself into such a frenzy that he would surely have attacked me, even though it was in public, had I not made a hasty escape. Have I reported this to the police? Tell me, what would be the point?
This country is corrupt to the core. The police do not uphold the law, they simply act on the whims of the Minister for Home Affairs. Have you ever seen the list of arrestable offences? Even you, the trusted President of the Republic, the ultimate defender of the Constitution, refuse to fulfil your oath. You have forfeited your position. In April last year I was obliged to take on your mantle in that parody of justice, known locally as the Soup-rim Court of Jesters. Today I demand that you resign. For my father’s sake, I will permit you do so with dignity. You have until the end of the week, after which time, I will lodge a formal complaint with ICAC and provide them with the letter from the PMO.
In fact it is already in the public domain, since I included it in my first letter to you at the end of October. Then, I was giving it to you to use as evidence to defeat the case against your own son. Read the letter again and click on the “Get out of jail free” ticket at the end. Ironic isn’t it how it turned out to be a double-edged sword that could easily read “Go to jail, go directly to jail…” Are you familiar with the game of Oligopoly? Of course you are. You are morally bankrupt and I am forcing you to exit the game. Do not even think of returning to politics. Unless you want to join Saleh’s Pity Party. I hear that New York is nice this time of year 😉 LOL
PS: Feeling much better now! Who do you think is the brightest star: the Mafia stooge or the King?
[Note to editors: In the words of Elvis Presley “Thank you very much”. For what? Actually printing this NEWS! You won’t? Are you not afraid that Richard, Queue de Lion, might just be worse than the Queen of Hearts?]