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Statement of Dr Richard Luke Munisamy:

With respect to the defamatory accusation that I am in contempt of court for jumping around like a kangaroo (see below):

I vehemently deny this accusation. Only an idiot would expect to see a kangaroo in an African court. In fact, I was suffering from diarrhoea having been forced to drink from the tap in my room in le Suffren during the night. The mini bar had been locked, which is, apparently, the hotel’s normal practice for Mauritian guests. When I complained to the manager, he told me that it is not hotel policy to differentiate between Mauritians and expatriates. I then asked him to show me the salary scales of Mauritian and expatriate staff. He refused to comply.

In court, after I had been asked to move by the Judge for the umpteenth time, I was on the verge of exploding with laughter. So I bit my tongue, squeezed my buttock cheeks together in order to contain myself, and made my way, as best I could, to yet another bench, as directed by the judge. Clearly I was not displaying contempt of court but doing my level best to avoid it and soiling my pants to boot.

It is funny how a lack of education leads people to make the most bizarre interpretations of situations. If Winnie the Pooh had been a familiar story in Mauritius, I may have been accused of bouncing like Tigger. I am told this is actually a very good cure for stress, if you don’t have access to medical marijuana.