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Dear Mr Jugnauth Junior

I will not congratulate you on your succession to the Premiership of our beloved nation. The manner in which your predecessor placed the crown upon your head has more in common with a North Korean dictatorship than a modern democracy. But the shame that you bring upon our country isn’t the embarrassment of your father pulling the strings of his puppet President in order to preserve his posterity. Incidentally, will she not be soon discarded so that he can return to Reduit? Can you convince me that the current scandal against her was not prepared long in advance by his Machiavellian mind? Is he really so stupid as to have neglected to perform due diligence on the person proposed for the post by his co-conspirator?

No, the genuine disgrace of you inheriting the leadership of our nation is that you manifestly appear not up to the task. When a former Leader of the Opposition reportedly called you “Ti-crétin” he wasn’t abusing you; he was insulting those unfortunate souls who are cursed with congenital thyroid deficiency. Because they do not engage in pathetic propaganda to pointlessly persuade a puerile populace that they even approach levels of average intelligence. Was it not inevitable that you would stumble over your own simplicity sooner or later?

Of course, you are not the only Minister who, when appointed, was woefully unprepared for the responsibility thrust upon him. Is this surprising when the ratio of candidates to the preeminent posts of public administration is at most three to one? If political backing undermines meritocracy at even the lowest levels of the civil service, how much more so at the very top? In fact, one of the very few notable skills that a large number of these candidates share is the ability to mislead others without any of the inhibitions that constrain the rest of humanity. Inhibitions that originate from one of the most defining characteristics that differentiates us from snakes and vermin: a guilty conscience. All is justified, of course, by the principle of putting the interests of their covert clientele before the constituents they were elected to represent.

The difference between you and say, the Minister for Public Utilities, is that he has actually tried to grasp some of the basic elements of his ministerial portfolio. However, even he was lamentably eager to discard this painfully slow and laborious investment when he misperceived that the prized Ministry, which he could run with his eyes closed thanks to unstoppable growth from China, appeared to be within range of his “infidelitious” fingers. What a sense of absolute betrayal and shame his long-suffering and loyal co-workers must have felt. In theory, other ministers, though who can name more than a handful in practice, appoint advisors with complementary skills to their own, for which there is an abundance of candidates. In reality however, they seem asininely determined to waste public funds on those whose only recognisable attributes are their complimentary skills.

Like the Minister for Public Utilities, you have no excuse for failing to implement a single sustainable solution when you were appointed the Minister for Technology. Even though you were given brilliant free advice. Did you even read the forum article in le Mauricien on 5th February 2015? Even a cretin could have done a better job don’t you think? Before reacting rashly, consider the merits of my defence.

  1. On 29th July 2016, you presented the National Budget. Page 28 of the Annex states: “The Banking Act will be amended:(i) to remove ’investment banking business’ from the definition of ‘bank’ so that only the Financial Services Commission (FSC) regulates this business. Consequential amendments will also be made to the Financial Services Commission Act accordingly.”
  2. This was insane. Commercial banks offer customers savings and loans at clearly defined interest rates and if they have an excess of funds, they need to invest them in financial instruments without risking depositors funds. Investment banks do risk depositors funds pursuing the high rates of return from financial instruments. Most major banks and even our home grown ones are hybrids – they do both. Insufficient regulation contributed to the financial crisis of 2008. Any changes to the regime in Mauritius must be scrutinised studiously, not surreptitiously slipped into an annex when no one is paying attention. Surely the then Minister of Financial Services explained this to you?
  3. On 10th July 2017, you are reported to have laid the foundation stone for your pet project, the “Metro Express”, calling it a “game changer” in reducing congestion on our roads. This is imbecilic. Congestion is caused predominantly by cars. In order to reduce congestion, car owners must be persuaded to leave their cars at home. Maybe a swift and comfortable light rail could be a carrot but without the stick of congestion charges, why will donkey drivers change their ruinous routines?
  4. As the ex-Minister for Technology you really ought to be familiar with the disruptive potential of apps such as BlaBlaCar and Uber. We don’t need to invest massively in infrastructure when the problem can be solved simply easily with the mobile phones in our pockets. Car sharing would dramatically reduce the number of cars on our roads during peak hours and networked “taxis” would ensure convenient point-to-point transportation, without the hassle of parking, for those who leave their cars at home. They would also contribute to much needed community cohesion through the development of a sharing economy.
  5. On 30th June 2015, you were sentenced to 12 months imprisonment for corruption, suspended pending a Community Service Suitability Report. Instead of meekly accepting to serve the community like a man, you chose to appeal the conviction like a mummy’s boy. Now as Prime Minister you face the prospect of being re-convicted by the Law Lords and bringing even more embarrassment upon our heads. Will your daddy step down again from Reduit to hold the reign while you are buggered behind bars?
  6. This time be your own judge. On 5th March 2017, you are reported to have assisted in a cleanup campaign, albeit of physical rather than political refuse. Did you find serving the community liberating?

Why do people call you Pinocchio? Is it not the President who is a puppet on a string and appears to have only sawdust between her ears? Are you not more like Marshmallow Man: you are “Puft Up” with hot air and your fitness for purpose is phantasmagoric? If so, you have just been Ghostbusted. Do not feel unfairly singled-out. This is not personal. It is the duty of every true Republican to eliminate the appearance of dynasty and nepotism. Watch this space – there are more political assassinations to come. Enjoy the show…

Published in le Mauricen.